


„Why, Ava?“

by Razerface



Category: DC's Legends of Tomorrow (TV)
Genre: Ava is a broken soul, AvaLance, Bromance, F/F, Gary is an angel protect him, GaryAva Brotp, Gen, How Do I Tag, Hurt/Comfort, I am german so please excuse my terrible grammar, I just freaking love Gary, Sara loves Ava and the other way around - kind of, Self-Harm, crack-fic, ep03x16, i warned you, sorry - Freeform, this is meant to break your heart, will Sara and Ava come back together?, wtf am I writing here
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-20
Updated: 2020-10-09
Packaged: 2021-03-08 00:36:08
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,199
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26566675
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Razerface/pseuds/Razerface
Summary: After Ava had found out she‘s a clone, the twelfth in a row, she doesn’t know how to deal with her emotions, so that Sara and Gary try to help her.
Relationships: Sara Lance/Ava Sharpe
Comments: 8
Kudos: 38





	1. „What did you do?“

_You are a fucking clone. _  
_ _

_You’re not even real. _  
_ _

_You’re just a fucking labor rat, one of probably hundreds or even more. Even if you die, there are hundreds of copies of you on 2213 the time bureau could get. Or Sara...if she wanted you at all. What she doesn’t. _  
_ _

  
If anyone even wants a copy of me at all. _  
  
_

_You were cloned to be the perfect woman, but are such an awful screw up. A failed version of a cloning experiment.  
_

This thoughts rushed through Ava‘s head as she held the razor blade in her right hand, ready to pull it though her skin every second. She ran her finger over the extrem sharp surface of the object in her hand.

She sat, halfly huddled in the edge of the empty bathtub of her apartment, trying to deal with her feelings and all the wild thoughts that rushed through her head, trying to get her to cut herself.

_Sara is too good for you. That’s why she fucking dumped you. Give up. _  
_ _

„Shut the fuck up!“ She was screaming in her mind to all the bad thoughts. She tried to fight them since Sara dumped her, even though she then didn’t know she was a clone, but it only went worse since she found out about her „origin“.

Her head was throbbing, her heart was pounding to her throat. It even hurt her. 

_You have to do it _Her head said, without Ava knowing a single reason for her head to say that, but then, she pulled the ice-cold razor blade across her skin.  
_ _

She shook at the stinging pain. As her look followed the blood that was dripping out of the cut in streams like tiny little lakes, she immediately regretted to have done that. But still though, she continued to cut, no matter what she was thinking. She shoved the voices in her head away as far as she could, feeling the weight of her depression fall apart piece for piece, as she continued cutting herself. Some cuts are deeper, some are longer. 

She already pulled pulled the blade six times through the skin of her left inner forearm, until she bent over to reach for a towel, which she tied around all the wounds as good as she could. She must’ve looked like a total crazy person, fresh broken out of psychiatry, what has also happend because of her rising panic attack, coming up because Ava knew what she was doing to herself right now, but not knowing that she shouldn’t do that to herself, because in her eyes, she didn’t worth it to live. And also being unable to control it, or stop the bleeding.

But still though, she slowly started to realize, that she was crying and sobbing like shit -even if she did so silently- , gasping for air because of that, but still creating small cuts on her left outer forearm. 

Her warm blood drops on her thighs and all over the bathtub, but Ava didn’t care. The only thing she cared about right now was the relief the pain brings her. 

As she feels her trousers getting very wet from all the blood, she slowly started to get panic. _Maybe I cut too deep _, she thought. _But I don’t fucking care anymore. I’m not even real! I...I probably got an anti-die mechanism in me or whatever! I don’t give a shit! _With these words she tried to calm herself, and slowly layed down in the tub. She placed the razor blade on the edge of the tub, and closed her eyes slowly.  
_ ___

She hasn’t thought about suicide when she decided to to what she did a few moments ago, but if it happened now, it wouldn’t bother her. Her girlfriend hated her in Ava’s eyes, she is just a clone, and she even hates herself.

After about five minutes had passed, and Ava felt kind of sick, and dangerously very sleepy, she heard someone open a portal into her apartment.  
Gary, probably.

But even tough Gary is a close friend and colleague of her, Ava wasn’t very pleased that he just broke into her apartment, even if he was right to worry about her. You just don’t break into peoples apartments. Not even Gary should do that.

Ava heard steps approaching, as other footsteps seemed to be a bit farer away, so that Ava assumed, that there were at least two persons. And the only other person that would even had a halfway good reason to break into Ava‘s apartment besides Gary would be: Sara.

She almost had another panic attack when she realized that Sara and Gary were searching for her, obviously because they were worried about her after all that happend a few hours ago. 

The blood in the bathtub and on her trousers has already dried halfways, but some of her wounds still bled. When Ava tried to stand up, she sank back powerlessly. 

As Gary heard that, he told Sara that Ava was in her bathroom, and so, they both stood in front of the door, softly talking to Ava and asking her if she was alright.

„Director Sharpe? Are you okay?“ Gary asked out of habit.

„Let me do this, Gary.“ Sara said. „Ava? Can you please open the door?“ She spoke in a soft, lightly concerned tone. 

Even though Ava heard every single word that Gary and Sara said, she didn’t want to answer. She just didn’t know what to say. Sara tried it again. „Ava? Can you hear me? Please open the door. We are worried about you.“ The voice silenced as Sara waited patienty for an answer. But after about fifteen seconds without any life sign of Ava, she gave her a last warning. „Ava, if you can hear me, please open the door or I‘m going to knock it down.“ Ava could feel the reproachful look that Gary must’ve given her ex-lover for her unsensitive kind to speak, and a small smile formed on the director’s face. But it quickly disappeared as Sara said „Okay, that’s it.“ and started picking the door’s look, before almost kicking it in even if she had just managed to open it without violence. 

„Oh sh-shit!!“ Gary exclaimed shocked, immediately reaching for his communicator to call Gideon in order to later take care of Ava.

„Ava!“ Sara stormed to Ava like an idiot to check if she was still breathing. As sad, halfly closed dark green eyes look up at her, Sara just held eye contact with her ex for a moment. „Why would you do something like that to yourself?“ Sara asked quietly and with trembling voice. Ava looked away from her ex-lover as she answered with a weak voice: „I...don’t know...“ She was able to press out.

Sara have always hated showing emotions, so she tried to hide them. But especially in _this _moment, and after Ava’s answer, tears started running down her cheeks, and she was completely unable to controll them. She took Ava‘s face in both of her hands and started sobbing. She carefully turned Ava’s head towards her so that she would look at her, and then, the assasin spoke again.  
_ _

„Can y-you leave us alone for a minute?“ Sara stuttered, turning toward Gary, the face of Ava still carefully in her hands.

„What?! No! Not that her medical condition gets even worse than it already is!“ Both women could tell that he was upset and concerned at the same time, but Sara tried it again. „ _Please _, Gary. Just close the door and if something-“ Because of all the sobbing, Sara had to gasp for air before continuing. „And if something happens I’ll yell for you, o-okay?“ Even though no one was looking at him, both women could somehow feel Gary sighing quietly. „Okay. But...please make sure she stays conscious. The medical wing is informed, doctors are on their way.“__

__„Thanks.“ Sara simply retorted, focusing on her - still friend - again. „Ava? Ava! Please stay with me!“ She pleaded after noticing her friend closing her eyes dangerously sleepy. Sara carefully kocked on Ava’s cheek until she opened her eyes again. Then, the former assassin let out a relieved sigh._ _

__„Please stay with me. And then ... , Ava?“ Sara sobbed again, but louder this time. She didn’t want to pronounce her question loudly. „Did you..w-want to kill yourself?“ Her voice cracked after the first three words have left her mouth._ _

__„I...don’t know, S-...Sara. I...am...sad. V-ve-ry sad. But i-it’s n-not your fault.“ After answering her ex-lover’s question, she gasped for air, through all her sobs. Her teary smile hurt Sars’s heart even more. „I’m-„ Ava cut herself off. She knew that Sara wouldn’t have been able to take it.__

__I Am worthless, Sarah.__

____

____

Saras‘ sobs grew heartbreaking. It made Ava feel shittier than she did already. _Why does she love me so much? Why did she break up with me? Why am I still alive?? _She was scared as hell by the last thought.  
_ _

„Medics are here!“ Gary yelled -kind of happy- as he stormed back into the bathroom to tell the both women. Behind him were four medics, two of them with a strecher, behind them a portal from the Waverider to Ava‘s apartment, which they apparently came out of.

„Captain Lance, please step out of the way.“ One of the medics said. Reluctantly, Sarah stepped away from her injured friend. She walked past the medics and stopped at the door frame, mext to Gary, who just stared at the medics, rescuing Ava. 

Garys‘ hands trembled. He was _so _damn near on just beating the shit out of Sara - or at least try. It was obvious that he would’ve had no chance against the Captain, but he was just so mad. Ava felt shit, and Sara didn’t even notice. She didn’t really speak with Ava since their break-up, and now, the Director is lying in her bathtub, arms sliced up almost completely. _Calm down Gary. CALM THE FUCK DOWN. _  
_ ___

After only two minutes, the medics had carefully lifted Ava out of the tub, and she was laid onto the stretcher. Three of the meds carried Ava, the other one opened the portal back to the Waverider. The task was clear for both Gary and Sara: Heading to the Waveriders’ medical wing, to see Ava.

_To be continued._

  



	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Trigger Warning* I know that this comes a bit too late (as you are already on the page of chapter 2), and I am so sorry for that I really forgot that, but I rated this fic ‚Mature‘, so I hope that isn’t a problem. :/ I‘m really sorry. But at least now the warning: **This fanfiction contains Self-Harm, eventually suicidal thoughts, and is meant to be very sad, even if there will _maybe _be a fluff-ending. So if you struggle with similar or the same things as those described in my fanfiction, you should probably not read this, or at least not alone.__  
>  Suicide Hotline: 08001110111 **  
> ****

Gary and Sara have been standing in front of the room in which Ava got patched for about thirty minutes, if not even longer, until one of the meds finally allowed them in, even though only one at a time. 

Gary was the first one to speak to Ava. Sara let him go first, because she was very sure that Ava wouldn’t have wanted to see her right after this shit, and so, she kept a respectful distance, and stayes out of the room, waiting on the pane of glass of the operation room. The meds also left the room, so that Gary and Ava were alone.

Gary made some uncertain and slow steps toward the bed Ava was lying in. He was jaw grinding because of nervousity and sadness. Ava was awake, even though her condition was pretty bad. She had lost about one litre of blood - most of it because of the very deep cut-, so that she had gotten a blood transfusion, which was still in process. 

„...Hey.“ Gary said, not knowing what he should say next. Ava didn’t answer, but instead, she gave him a crooked smile. Her eyes where glassy because of all the crying, just like Saras‘ were. Gary looked sadly into Ava’s eyes as he sat down on the chair a few steps away from her bed. 

Gary mind was about to explode. _Why would Ava do such a thing to herself? Why didn’t I notice that earlier? What kind of friend am I?? _He pulled the chair right next to the bed the Director was laying in.  
__

„Are you alright?“ He finally managed to ask. Yes, of course she felt pretty shit, but he meant ‚in her condition’. It took Ava almost half a minute to be able to give a verbal answer, but at least, she was able to talk. „I...t-think so. Y-eah.“ She stuttered. She still felt sick, so she couldn’t concentrate on speaking understandably, but Gary still understood it. „Why did you do that?...did you try to-?“ He didn’t speak it out. He just couldn’t. He didn’t want to. Ava now looked him in the eyes, and answered with a cracked voice. 

„I don’t know, Gary, I-I just don’t know.“ She sobbed. „Hey Hey Hey. It’s- We’re gonna figure this out. His voice may have sounded certain, but _he _himself wasn’t. He didn’t know if he could help his friend, and it made him feel awful. He looked on the ground, because he wasn’t able to look Ava in the eyes while saying the next sentence.__

__„I‘m sorry I didn’t notice...this earlier.“ Ava slightly shook her head. „It’s not your fault, Gary. You’re a good friend. Do you-„ She cut herself off by gasping for air, because she wasn’t able to get much air at that moment. „Do you hear me? You’re a good-„ She cut herself off another time, as she tried to breath regularly, and not in gasps. „-friend.“ „Okay. If you say so.“ Gary smiled at Ava, but his eyes showed sadness. Sadness for Ava, and how she must’ve felt. He grinded his teeth again, and then he spoke._ _

__„Uhm...“ He turned around towards Sara, who was standing behind the pane of glass outside of the room. „Sara would like to see and speak to you. If- that’s alright, I mean, i-if you need more time, it’s-“ „No, it’s-okay, thanks, Gary.“ Ava cut him off offered another small smile, even though she still struggled with breathing normally. „Okay, then I think I‘m gonna send her in.“ He said smilingly as he rose from the chair and went towards the door._ _

__Ava saw Gary going outside the room, closing the door, and stepping towards Sara in front of the pane of glass, starting to speak to her. Then, Sara nodded to him, and then, she opened the door and entered the room slowly and carefully._ _

__„H-Hey, Ava.“ Sara smiled, but Ava knew it was just a facade. And Sara -of course- knew it, too. Her mind was spinning, her head about to explode. Preferably, she would’ve rushed to Ava, hug her as lovingly as possible and tell her that she is save and that she would always be there for Ava, even when they are no longer together. But she also knew that Ava wouldn’t be in the mood for this right now._ _

__„...Hey.“ Ava said, not looking at her ex. But no, she wasn’t mad at her. Not at all. Just like she had told the Captain, it wasn’t Saras’ fault. It’s just that Ava couldn’t look at her. Out of shame._ _

__„Why don’t you look at me?“ She finally managed to ask, coming a few steps closer. „I..I kinda...I feel ashamed, I guess.“ Ava answered between sobs. „Ava, it’s okay, do you hear me? There’s nothing for you to be ashamed of. _I _should feel ashamed. I didn’t notice you feeling like that early enough I-„ „Sara.“ Ava said with a sigh. Yes, she was livid with her ex, not only for leaving her, but also for Saras‘ attitude towards her. But whatever would happen between them inow or even in the far future, it seemed impossible for Ava to hate the ex assassin, who once was her girlfriend.  
_ __ _

„It’s _not _your fault Sara. I _know _that you would have never ignored me feeling like this, and that you would’ve stopped me. So _please _stop saying that this is your fault, because it’s .  
_ _ _ ___

„Ava I know that this partly is my fault-“ „No it’s not!“ Ava started to get angry by the stubbornness of her ex-girlfriend. „Ava. Please let me explain.“ Sara said with a concerned voice and separate tears running down her cheeks, while coming another three steps closer so Ava, until she was standing right in front of the bed Ava was laying in. „I am _so _sorry for being kind of an asshole to you. I didn’t want to make you feel that way but now I know that I did and I am so-„ She cut herself off with a loud sob „-so sorry Ava _please _believe me. I‘m really sorry.“ Ava took a few seconds to think about how exactly she should say what she had to say. „I do.“, she then said. „But that doesn’t change anything.“ Ava added, quite coldly. Yeah, maybe not coldly, but as if she wasn't involved in the situation, like an outsider.  
_ _ _ _

„I’ve loved you with all my heart, and you trampled on my emotions. You told me I‘m too good for you.“ Ava let out an scoffing chuckle, which was more meant to her herself than to Sara, and which was accompanied by another tear running down her completely tear-wet cheek, „Just because you haven‘t had a better excuse for not giving a single fuck about me...“

After that, Sara bursted in tears, covering her face with her right arm, not able to say anything to her defence anymore. Ava turned her head away from the crying woman she was so angry with, looking at the pristine white wall, which was completely empty of medical posters or pictures, medical devices or anything else that would have been in an „usual“ „medical room“. Even though she knew she was on the Waverider, she seemed to forget this sometimes.

And even though she didn’t want to give Sara the rest, she wasn’t done yet. „Seriously. Why are you here. Go home. You don’t have to pretend“, Ava‘s voice started to tremble. “like you cared for me.“ After a few seconds, Sara was able to pull the last force of her exhausted body together, as she got out an „Ava-“ as the mentioned woman cut her off. „GO.“ Ava said while crying like shit.

Sara had almost had a mental breakdown, but kind of in respect towards Ava, she just got out of the room, just like the director has told her. 

In front of the pane of glass, Gary has still been standing. He had already been incredibly mad at Sara, but right now, after he had seen _this _scenario -or maybe more like a disaster- , he wanted to punch this bitch in her fucking stupid face. He wanted to ask her, why she was even crying, because she obviously didn’t gave a shit about Ava. But as he understood that Sara had a quiet mental breakdown, he gave his best to show her the rest amount of respect that was left in his overheated, furious head, which he expressed with not speaking to her, and also not looking at her.  
_ _

_What the fuck am I only going to do now?? _Sara, Ava AND Gary thought at the same time. They didn’t know. But the time - it is running. Continuously, what forced them to take action.  
_ _

_To be continued_

  



End file.
